Update Required? - this has been bugging me, a steady but jumbled stream of thoughts on my anxiety.

Disclaimer: Please consult a mental health professional for your care. I have no qualifications. These are just my own experiences and personal takeaways. 

I think a lot about what's wrong with me. Mentally to be specific. Paid lots of money to find out from a psychologist, a psychiatrist. They gave me answers. Answers that could be right or wrong. Answers that never felt like the answer. The answer that I could use to correct my personality. If I identified and fixed all the bugs in my software, I could install a new and improved version of my mind. I'm grateful I was able to get the answers from professionals in the first place but this nagging voice remained, how could I be sure of these labels I received, that they were the truth?

It's all guesswork (educated) and observed groupings of symptoms, the diagnostic lines which psychologists drew in the DSM-5. Obviously, they're useful and reliable tools for diagnosis and treatment but it's a little unnerving that our mind and lived experiences are only ours. No one can jump inside our being and say "Yes, this is what moderate depression, anxiety, ADHD, and chronic sleep deprivation usually feels like, let's prescribe them the proper meds." I wish it was that easy. I wish there was a truth. I wish I knew why I can't seem to stop shaking my knees, why I pick my skin, and why my mind always latches onto thoughts that invoke waves of dread throughout my body over and over again.

I desperately searched for these labels because I wanted to explain why I behave the way I do, which is (with all the self awareness in the world) wasting my life trying to distract myself from my own internal turmoil. Living everyday trying to escape yourself, unable to take control or even determine your own desires because you're too busy avoiding your mind and constantly feeling a bit on edge is not cute. Maybe you are already living this way, I know I am. I truly hate myself for it - how I appear to be carelessly discarding all of my privileges and opportunities for these invisible fears. I hope it's not just some manifestation of laziness and weakness of character or maybe I should hope that's all it is.

I ask my friends, "Whenever you leave the house, do you get scared of everything that could happen like what if the bridge on the way breaks when my bus crosses over it? Or is it just me? Do I have anxiety if I think that way? Or is that normal? Do you wake up shaking and dry heaving from your main worry of the month?" They usually respond with a "no" or "sometimes" and then they proceed to list their own mental idiosyncrasies. I don't know if it's a relief to know that so many of us have these little or great bugs in our programming or if it's sad realizing that we all live our lives in the imaginary shadow of the us we could be if we were better, flawless.

So I think that's the question, is that the us who we should be striving to be? Can we fully rid ourselves of these bugs, is that even possible? And to not mention, sometimes these very self-protective bugs prevent the getting rid of them bit. I also have seen some people brand certain bugs like anxiety as secret "superpowers" passed down through evolution. For example, perhaps anxiety is simply a way to foresee future dangers and protect ourselves. In that case, regardless of how maladaptive it may be in our current day to day, is it even a bug or a bonus feature? After all, who knows what type of dystopian apocalypse future we're headed towards. I guess the answer is I don't know. I don't know if and how I can be become this very clean and bug free version of myself. So maybe the better question is do I even try despite not knowing what's exactly wrong with me and how to fix it? 

Honestly, it's very privileged of me to even have the space and time to reflect on my "mental health." The quotations are around the phrase because it's somewhat of a corporate buzzword now and it reminds me of the Headspace app and mindfulness worksheets that ask you to be present (neither of which are bad suggestions but just not for me personally).

I'm trying to think of a good conclusion here. One that perfectly summarizes my scattering of thoughts. One that is honest but hopeful. One that has a bit to offer or at least a semblance of connection even though it makes zero sense. Truthfully, I'm not sure what I sought to write here. I just began typing to undo this jumble of fears wrapped around my heart, creating a tightness in my chest that's currently being bounced around by my shaking knees. My mind forever entrenched in this guilt I feel for not being an ideal me, a person who can do little tasks in a row and even big tasks without leaving a disgusting pile of little dead skin flakes from picking. I want to stop. I want to be the ideal me. So I vacuum the flakes and I cover my fingers in band-aids but every time, I wash my hands I feel the sting of the soap. 

If I stick with the software bug analogy, I guess I can say with my limited (non-existent) knowledge of programming that I have heard there is no such thing as a bug-free program. Despite all the testing and quality control completed, when an application launches, there will be bugs discovered. Some already existed in the initial code and others resulted from the execution environment. Companies like Instagram have to keep updating their software to not only fix these bugs but to add new features to remain relevant amongst the competition. If we apply this model to ourselves, it means we should keep addressing our mental disorders in the present while also building skills and resources for the future. Easier said then done, I know. Basically, I suppose if you feel that there is something wrong within, try identifying the answer then the solution or just the solution (by consulting the appropriate professional, of course). Even if it's not the answer because who knows if that exists, maybe it will help you. 

As you change and as your environment changes because it will, you can reflect on what has helped, what has not, and what could potentially help for the next update. Sorry to make us all sound like cold unfeeling robots by saying "update" - yes, I am also beginning to rethink this whole analogy. That aside, considering this need to update software or adapt as people, I think even the flawless versions of us, the us shadow that lingers above is ever-evolving with our expectations of our best self. So just maybe, I should not hate myself for failing to meet this moving or unwavering target of perfection. Maybe we all treat ourselves tenderly, acknowledge the unhealthy ways we tried to avoid our bugs, and then forgive ourselves. If we meet ourselves with this kindness instead of a barrage of self-retribution, maybe we will stop trying to escape our minds and ask for help. I don't know what's wrong with me but I have decided today I'm not going to be an asshole to myself while I figure it out.

Are you an asshole? Would you make things worse for somebody while they're already down? I sure hope not. So maybe consider how you treat yourself in times where you're feeling low. Don't you know that you're somebody too?